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Friday, March 16, 2018

Suicide is an issue!

   This is such a difficult topic to discuss for most people and yet I feel it needs to be had. For so many people suicide seems like the only option. Wether it is mental anguish or chronic pain, or just the feeling of something horrific and never ending. First of all if you feel like this, or if this is where you are headed or where you are please follow this link it is the suicide prevention line. You can call or chat with someone 24/7. If you live outside of the U.S.A here is a list of numbers by countries. Please I implore you to call, someone loves you and it will get better. I know how hard it is to imagine that, when your feeling so alone and overwhelmed, but it is the truth.
    For those thinking of Suicide due to pain please tell your doctors, be honest with them. I am aware that a lot of you have been abandoned by your doctors and you are forced to find new ones in some cases, please talk to someone though preferably someone equipped to help. You can also call pain advocacy groups, local churches, or your local mental health facility. Just to name a few they can either help you or in most cases will help you find resources in your community that may help. Please don't give up I know it seems bleak, but it is starting to gain attention on state and national levels.

The Inquirer Philly
Business Insider

Just to name a few. Please google it and you will see what I am talking about. Doctors are fighting with us and some congress people are looking into it,, and Human Rights is now investigating, so we are making headway out there. Just hang in there, brighter days are ahead.

    For those here for information about suicide here we go. Suicide is currently at a 30 year high in the U.S. as of 2016 the modest number of suicides was 44,965. I say modest because suicide is under reported in most cases. Suicide is not always apparent especially when there is no note and no reason to suspect suicide. Especially when their method of suicide is overdose, by using the pills they are prescribed or the illicit drugs they may be on.
    From 2006-2011 a Sample was taken from 950 hospitals it showed that emergency departments dealt with 68,685 intentional overdoses. Then ask how many people a year are committing suicide and not being accounted for?

Some of the indicators for suicide

   This is the best list I can find, it includes everything you could think of including how to talk to a suicidal person.

     My personal story:

    **Trigger warning**
This story contains a very open account of my suicide attempt and it involves self harm.

     When i was 18 I had a break down of sorts this is before I was diagnosed with bipolar. I was in such a dark place and I was all alone. The mental anguish I was in was manifesting in a very physical way my whole body hurt and no matter how I tried I couldn't sleep. I was trapped in this emotional hell and I had absolutley no respite. My mom suspected I was suicidal before she left out of state, but when she asked I was very calm when I told her no. It was my chance to end the suffering. I still for the life of me can not understand why she left knowing how bad off I was and knowing I had absolutley no one to ask for help. I was so depressed i had to take a leave of absence from work. I was seeing a therapist twice a week and I had a psychologist who was trying to find the right combo of psychoactive drugs that would work, but nothing seemed to help. The Dr. tried paxil and it just made me worse. I couldn't sleep at all and I was so depressed that I couldn't even get off the couch. I could not be bothered with the menial chores of showering, eating, or moving really. I fed the fur babies and went back to the couch. I remember collapsing on the floor and just crying uncontrollably and thinking how could anyone expect me to live in the emotional pain I was in. There was no light at the end of the tunnel for me it seemed. No one gave a shit obviously or I wouldn't have been alone. So why should I continue to live in this condition? It seemed like everytime I would try to crawl out of the hole I was in i just ended up deeper than when I started. I couldn't stand it anymore how could God fault me? How could God ask me to live in such pain? Why wasn't he helping me through this? I begged for His help and nothing. Finally I said to hell with it all I grabbed my brand new razor blade and crawled into the bath tub. I knew my mom would be home in time to take care of the animals soon so whats the point they really didn't need me anymore either. I crawled into the tub and filled it with Hot water and started to cut. I couldn't feel the physical pain through the emotional pain I was in. Now I know that what I was doing were called confidence cuts. My legs, my breast, my stomach, my arms, and wrist. I didn't need stitches for anything but I was covered in shallow cuts. I really don't know how long I was in the tub for. I remember trying to cut my wrists, but the razor wouldn't even break the skin, I would press down and run the blade across my wrist as hard and as fast as I could and nothing. I did this several times my wrist were covered in redmarks from the blade, but the skin wouldn't break. My dog had been sitting next to the tub the whole time I was in the tub and I put the blade to my wrist in frustration looked at my dog told him how much I loved him and right before I ran the blade across my skin my dog put both his feet in the tub and started licking me. It is like I snapped out of a trance when that happened. The water was cold and I looked down at myself covered in blood. I was so lost in my world of anguish and pain and I still couldn't feel the cuts, but it seemed to me with the intervention of my dog and the fact that the blade would not cut my wrist that it was divine intervention. Who really knows what it was, but I crawled out of the tub cleaned myself up and immediatly started looking for help. I had all these animals to care for and I had no money to put them in a bording facility. Finally someone gave me a number to people who pet sat and would come into your home and take care of the animals. When I called them and explained my situation they agreed to help. My dog hated almost everyone and would never let anyone in my house when I was not home miraculously liked them. When they got to my house they saw what kinda shape I was in and helped me bandage the worst of my cuts.....turns out they were both R.Ns who had retired. They took me to the inpatient facility and dropped me off so I didn't have to call the cops on myself. Finally I was given some medical attention and a sleeping pill. It took three days to be stable enough to leave. I probably should have stayed longer in hindsight, but the food was terrible and my mom was back home. It took about a year to get through it, meds didn't save my life at least not the kind that get prescribed by a doctor. Instead I made a friend and she would drag me from this party to that party. I was still depressed and had a difficult time with my moods, but she saved my life. My light at the end of the tunnel. I am now married to the love of my life and I have two amazing children and a few people I consider friends. I still battle with suicidal ideation as I am bipolar and I will always have mood swings and sometimes they can be really bad. What helps now is talking to my husband when I get like that. He always listens to what I am saying no matter how crazy it sounds and he simply reassures me that he loves me and that we will get through this. He tells me how life would be different if I were to cease existing in the world. That he understands my pain, but how even in that condition I am not a burden. That is really the most important thing a suicidal person needs to hear is how they are cherished no matter what condition they are in and how they are not a burden to your life. Don't just listen, but actually hear what they are telling you. Forget about thinking how you are going to respond just hear them and let your love shine through you. Never leave someone who is activley suicidal alone. Getting through that alone was the hardest thing I have ever done and it was all for my dog.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Filing for disability for mental health read this first

 So I have given this a lot of thought. What should be said, what should be left out, should I say anything at all? There is a lot of stigma surrounding mental health so by stepping out of my shadows and revealing myself, my whole self and my various diagnosis I could be encouraging the torch bearers to persecute me. Give rise to the ability to brush me off as crazy and silence my own voice in the process. For the sake of others out there I choose to speak.

  I am Bipolar type 1 with psychotic tendencies. I have borderline personality disorder. I have PTSD. I suffer from severe anxiety disorder. I am also a wife and a mother of two amazing children. I survive with a very delicate balance of medications and isolation from the world. In fact the last few weeks are the first time I have communicated with the outside world in three years. I leave the house but only get out of the car once a month when I have to do grocery shopping. I have no friends that I actually see in real life.
   With all the medications I still have symptoms on a regular basis, but it is either suffer the symptoms or increase the medications. Chemical chains that steal your personality and numb you to life. I can't do that to myself again. I went unmedicated for years mainly due to lack of insurance. I spent the majority of it swinging on a pendulum. The last time it swung to such an extreme I ended up suffering my longest bout of psychosis ever. 7 months of a nightmare existence locked in my head suffering from total paranoia I pretty much spoke only when spoken too. I was convinced the love of my life didn't love me and that I had entrapped him in our marriage. He is my best friend and I was totally devastated to think he didn't love me. I was convinced I was going to be murdered the PTSD was torturing me. I was so bad I had two therapist quit me my guess is because I was a liability and my husband refused to commit me. As I was coming out of it, it was even worse because I would swing from one reality to the next with no warning. It took me three months to get into see a psychiatrist. Before that I was going from emergency clinics to hospitals trying to get something for my anxiety. It was so bad just the space in my house was too much to bare I would crawl under a blanket and hide and cry uncontrollably until it passed. There were days I would just lay in bed and stare at the wall for days just letting the thoughts flow through not latching on to anyone thing because thoughts were dangerous, or thinking nothing at all consciously. I couldn't sleep every time I ate I got sick. I couldn't think I was just numb. After seeing my psychatrist I was put on a handful of meds. Large doses of antidepressants moderate doses of antipsychotics two anti anxieties and a recommendation of melatonin to help me sleep. I would be ok for a month then I would start to slide back the doses were not high enough so I would call my psychiatrist explain what was going on and my doses would be upped. Final cocktail 2x 150 mg Effexor XR 1 in the morning 1 in the afternoon. I was on Risperadone now I'm on Abilify 5mg 2 mg Colonopin (not enough) and buspar 3 x a day 15mg each. 20mg melatonin. Still I have symptoms. My GAF score is severe to moderate supporting my psychatrist claims of severe to moderate issues and at my husbands suggestion I filed for disability. I finally got to the Administrative Law Judge I felt horribly pressured and I wanted to crawl out of my skin from anxiety. Finally I got the determination back denied. These are the things held against me.
I can string words together in a sentence.
I'm not rail thin suggesting by my weight I'm not depressed. Risperadone makes you hungry I gained 60 pounds on it.
I was originally diagnosed when I was 19 so the judge thinks it's suspicious I waited 16 yrs to file.
I worked for three months here and three months there. (I was manic) literally 9 mo total in 15 yrs.
My husbands testimony was totally thrown out because he is my husband.
My psychatrist written assessment was also ignored even though it correlated with the GAF. The DSVM 5 no longer recognizes the GAF so it can't be used even though it was referred to.
I have a license. This must mean I can focus. I quit driving when I almost flattened a mailbox because I got distracted by the sunset and the colors in the sky. I keep my license for emergencies. I haven't driven in over three years.
The fact that I went unmedicated for several years was also held against me. I couldn't afford to be seen and I had no ins. This didn't matter.

So for those who are filing be aware there is really nothing they won't use against you.
I still have suicidal ideation I still want to cut I still get bottom of the barrel depressed and wildly manic. I have psychotic ideation as well I'm learning how to control that by distraction of thought when I recognize the paranoia setting in. I still have nightmares so bad I self mutilate my face and shoulders in my sleep no matter how short my nails are. Now I have a pain issue. I'm not sure how much this life expects me to bare but then I wouldn't have this cautionary tail.

Sunday, February 4, 2018

The real opioid epidemic explained.

Petition List:
This petition Is for you or someone you know as been denied medical care, have been involuntarily tapered, or stopped cold-turkey from your pain management protocols.
This petition Is for anyone to sign who disagrees with the new CDC guidelines on pain management protocols.We have 30 days to gather 100k signatures.
CDC guidelines for Chronic Pain

     In 2015  there were 33,091 Overdose deaths
     In 2015 there were 20,101 overdose deaths from prescription pain relievers
                  there were 12,990 overdose deaths related to heroin.
     In 2016 Approx.    64,000 Overdose deaths
     In 2016 Approx.    42,249 overdose deaths according to the CDC
     In 2016 Fentanyl and its cousins caused approx. 19,000 deaths
     In 2016 Heroin caused 15,500
     In 2016 Prescription opioids caused 14,500 overdoses

    The CDC admits in some back page of their website that they are well aware that the issue is not a prescribing issue, but an illicit one. A deadly brew of illicit fentanyl pressed into pills, sold as Heroin, or mixed with Heroin and it is killing people at a much faster rate than prescription opiates.
They are even kind enough to state that most of the fentanyl related deaths are not pharmaceutical fentanyl but the illicit fentanyl made in China. Sometimes shipped to Mexico and then it comes over the southern border with the Heroin.
Fentanyl data
   The CDC really likes to play mind games because on their Synthetic opioid data they again include illicit fentanyl. Saying that it is actually driving the numbers higher in the synthetic opioid category. A synthetic opioid is anything made in a lab and not just the ones from Big Pharma but the illegal underground markets were illicit drugs are made.
Synthetic opioid data

    Then there is Heroin were according to them 4 out of 5 users claim they started with prescription opioids sounds like a big number right. The CDC will also tell you that "As many as 1 in 4 people using opiates for chronic pain management will become addicted." That "As many as" really means not always will that one become addicted at all actually.

   Prescription overdose data for 2016 is interesting to look at now that you know the numbers are stacked. But wait there is more.
  • If you die from a car accident and have an opiate in your system and a benzo your death will fall under and be listed with all three categories. Even though the car accident killed you.
  • If you hang yourself and you have an opiate in your system it counts as both
  • If you die and had drugs that they cant identify due to degradation it gets counted as an opiate.
   So now where are the numbers?

   They don't report on the suicides due to pain, but the US suicide rate has been steadily growing since they have scaled back prescription practices for Chronic pain suffers and we are currently at a 30 year high.

   Why does the CDC all of a sudden have this power you ask? This is the FDAs job you say. Nope, Not really, Not anymore. Since Obama issued a Memorandum on Oct 21,2015 in it says "  To the extent feasible, training adopted by agencies should be consistent with consensus guidelines on pain medication prescribing developed by the CDC."

And those are the true numbers of the opiate crisis and why it has nothing to do with legal prescription's.
Oh and one more thing the top three drugs that people ODd on at as follows:
  • Methadone which is used as an addiction treatment
  • Oxycodone
  • Hydrocodone
46 people die from drug overdose a day.
123 people commit suicide everyday

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Here's some info and updates

      I contacted a lawyer he is an ex US State attorney and he currently works in a big bigish ... I really didn't look to see how big it was. He did a speech on Opiates in his state and I could tell right off he understood the very differences of the reality v.s fiction and hype. When I spoke with him he was not very happy with the stories I took to him. So I am really hoping he is our Erin Brockovitch. He said he would check into it with his colleagues and see what if anything we can do legally as a class-action.
     So I told him I would gather as many names as possible on this petition who has been terminated from their pain protocols, being involuntarily tapered, or cut off cold turkey, Denied to be treated by a physician because of the Rx types you were on. So if you or some one you know has had this happen please sign the petition your voice isn't just for yourself its for the hypothetical people who have had this happen if it becomes a class action lawsuit.
                           I have to call him back in 2 weeks  :)

      LOL it redirects you to incase you were wondering.

         I am not a lawyer, but what I would do is one of our first filings to be an emergency cease and desist.
Which will give us time to litigate with out you suffering. I don't want them to put our backs to a wall forcing us to back off because of our compassion for each other will be used against us.

     I believe there is enough scientific proof in the mainstream articles to back up that there is a greater negative effect on the population  than a positive one when it comes to how we treat this crisis.
     My best advice is not asking for cash. It will demean the cause all you want is your prescriptions back and for the DEA to stop illegally searching data systems they are not supposed to have access to. Our Drs are not drug dealers they are doing what the can to ease the suffering of humanity according to:"
  • The Physician’s Pledge
  • Adopted by the 2nd General Assembly of the World Medical Association, Geneva, Switzerland, September 1948
    Original Hippocratic Oath from 2500 years ago.and amended by the 22nd World Medical Assembly, Sydney, Australia, August 1968
    and the 35th World Medical Assembly, Venice, Italy, October 1983
    and the 46th WMA General Assembly, Stockholm, Sweden, September 1994
    and editorially revised by the 170th WMA Council Session, Divonne-les-Bains, France, May 2005
    and the 173rd WMA Council Session, Divonne-les-Bains, France, May 2006
    and the WMA General Assembly, Chicago, United States, October 2017
  • I SOLEMNLY PLEDGE to dedicate my life to the service of humanity;
  • THE HEALTH AND WELL-BEING OF MY PATIENT will be my first consideration;
  • I WILL RESPECT the autonomy and dignity of my patient;
  • I WILL MAINTAIN the utmost respect for human life;
  • I WILL NOT PERMIT considerations of age, disease or disability, creed, ethnic origin, gender, nationality, political affiliation, race, sexual orientation, social standing, or any other factor to intervene between my duty and my patient;
  • I WILL RESPECT the secrets that are confided in me, even after the patient has died;
  • I WILL PRACTISE my profession with conscience and dignity and in accordance with good medical practice;
  • I WILL FOSTER the honour and noble traditions of the medical profession;
  • I WILL GIVE to my teachers, colleagues, and students the respect and gratitude that is their due;
  • I WILL SHARE my medical knowledge for the benefit of the patient and the advancement of healthcare;
  • I WILL ATTEND TO my own health, well-being, and abilities in order to provide care of the highest standard;
  • I WILL NOT USE my medical knowledge to violate human rights and civil liberties, even under threat;
  • I MAKE THESE PROMISES solemnly, freely, and upon my honour.
©2017 World Medical Association Inc. All Rights Reserved. All intellectual property rights in the Declaration of Geneva are vested in the World Medical Association." and they too are being persecuted.
Pain Network News DEA attack on Doctors  I kinda borrowed your link :\ if you want me to take it down I will :)
One more thing then I swear I am done: Still working on the states law thing I got frustrated with it and had to put it down.