Filing for disability for mental health read this first

 So I have given this a lot of thought. What should be said, what should be left out, should I say anything at all? There is a lot of stigma surrounding mental health so by stepping out of my shadows and revealing myself, my whole self and my various diagnosis I could be encouraging the torch bearers to persecute me. Give rise to the ability to brush me off as crazy and silence my own voice in the process. For the sake of others out there I choose to speak.

  I am Bipolar type 1 with psychotic tendencies. I have borderline personality disorder. I have PTSD. I suffer from severe anxiety disorder. I am also a wife and a mother of two amazing children. I survive with a very delicate balance of medications and isolation from the world. In fact the last few weeks are the first time I have communicated with the outside world in three years. I leave the house but only get out of the car once a month when I have to do grocery shopping. I have no friends that I actually see in real life.
   With all the medications I still have symptoms on a regular basis, but it is either suffer the symptoms or increase the medications. Chemical chains that steal your personality and numb you to life. I can't do that to myself again. I went unmedicated for years mainly due to lack of insurance. I spent the majority of it swinging on a pendulum. The last time it swung to such an extreme I ended up suffering my longest bout of psychosis ever. 7 months of a nightmare existence locked in my head suffering from total paranoia I pretty much spoke only when spoken too. I was convinced the love of my life didn't love me and that I had entrapped him in our marriage. He is my best friend and I was totally devastated to think he didn't love me. I was convinced I was going to be murdered the PTSD was torturing me. I was so bad I had two therapist quit me my guess is because I was a liability and my husband refused to commit me. As I was coming out of it, it was even worse because I would swing from one reality to the next with no warning. It took me three months to get into see a psychiatrist. Before that I was going from emergency clinics to hospitals trying to get something for my anxiety. It was so bad just the space in my house was too much to bare I would crawl under a blanket and hide and cry uncontrollably until it passed. There were days I would just lay in bed and stare at the wall for days just letting the thoughts flow through not latching on to anyone thing because thoughts were dangerous, or thinking nothing at all consciously. I couldn't sleep every time I ate I got sick. I couldn't think I was just numb. After seeing my psychatrist I was put on a handful of meds. Large doses of antidepressants moderate doses of antipsychotics two anti anxieties and a recommendation of melatonin to help me sleep. I would be ok for a month then I would start to slide back the doses were not high enough so I would call my psychiatrist explain what was going on and my doses would be upped. Final cocktail 2x 150 mg Effexor XR 1 in the morning 1 in the afternoon. I was on Risperadone now I'm on Abilify 5mg 2 mg Colonopin (not enough) and buspar 3 x a day 15mg each. 20mg melatonin. Still I have symptoms. My GAF score is severe to moderate supporting my psychatrist claims of severe to moderate issues and at my husbands suggestion I filed for disability. I finally got to the Administrative Law Judge I felt horribly pressured and I wanted to crawl out of my skin from anxiety. Finally I got the determination back denied. These are the things held against me.
I can string words together in a sentence.
I'm not rail thin suggesting by my weight I'm not depressed. Risperadone makes you hungry I gained 60 pounds on it.
I was originally diagnosed when I was 19 so the judge thinks it's suspicious I waited 16 yrs to file.
I worked for three months here and three months there. (I was manic) literally 9 mo total in 15 yrs.
My husbands testimony was totally thrown out because he is my husband.
My psychatrist written assessment was also ignored even though it correlated with the GAF. The DSVM 5 no longer recognizes the GAF so it can't be used even though it was referred to.
I have a license. This must mean I can focus. I quit driving when I almost flattened a mailbox because I got distracted by the sunset and the colors in the sky. I keep my license for emergencies. I haven't driven in over three years.
The fact that I went unmedicated for several years was also held against me. I couldn't afford to be seen and I had no ins. This didn't matter.

So for those who are filing be aware there is really nothing they won't use against you.
I still have suicidal ideation I still want to cut I still get bottom of the barrel depressed and wildly manic. I have psychotic ideation as well I'm learning how to control that by distraction of thought when I recognize the paranoia setting in. I still have nightmares so bad I self mutilate my face and shoulders in my sleep no matter how short my nails are. Now I have a pain issue. I'm not sure how much this life expects me to bare but then I wouldn't have this cautionary tail.